Emotional Christmas Time

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” ― Charles Dickens

This year has been an emotional roller coaster.  I have had moments where my daughter was in my life, and then she was no longer there.  I've accepted the fact, she is now an adult and the distance between us have made us strangers, and we just do not see eye to eye.  I don't know why that is, but I have other things to focus on and trying to figure that mess out is not on the agenda.

I was told I was needed in California.  I came back.  That wasn't good enough.  I was ignored.  I was reeled back in to another falling out.  I felt disrespected, though that may not have been the intent.  Either way, this Christmas, will be 7 years without my daughter, and I am ok with that.  That relationship can be worked on at some other time.  She has a husband and a home to tend.  She can begin paving the way for her own traditions.  I have so much else to deal with than to deal with someone I can't seem to ever please, when every one else is pleased with me and proud of me.

I have been spending every holiday this year with my mother.  Being in end-stage Alzheimer's Disease, every day could be her last.  So, I spend day after day with her.  I spend the holidays with her.  I have spent birthdays with her.  She doesn't remember what we have done, or how holiday are done, but she certainly likes having people around.  My life is about the rest of hers.

With my mom staying with us, now, we are trying to figure out how to fit my sister's Christmas tree into the space.  I do wish I had my own place again, because I could decorate how I want.  I am overtaken by my sister's holiday style.  I like my own.  Her style is a little bit of everything.  My style is themed to Hawaii.  

Since my husband and my very first Christmas, every year someone (be it his mother or another loved one) has given us a Mele Kalikimaka ornament or something similar.  The ornaments represent the island lifestyle (surfing Santa, palm trees, coconuts, etc).  That's the theme I have been building for at least 7 years now.  

Last year, it was my sister's tree and decor.  This year, it will be my sister's tree and decor AGAIN.  I miss my own stuff, which sits in bins in the garage.  I don't have the energy to protest.

With the blues in my life this year, I have been turning down lots of festivities with certain people, because if my mom can't go, then I won't go.  I have been able to appear places, such as the time I decided to go bowling with my coworkers.  I ended up having loads of fun.  And to be honest, my daughter was there and things were A-OK.

I am going to a Christmas party in December, and I am excited.  My son will sit for me and hang out with his grandmother so I can attend this party.  Christmas time is all I need right now.  It's the jolliest time of year.  

Mele Kalikimaka!