Merry Christmas Darling

"Merry Christmas Darling We're apart that's true But I can dream and in my dreams I'm Christmasing with you" -The Carpenters

It's Christmas Day, and though I am staying with Trevor's dad's widow, Tina, I feel lonely.  Christmas doesn't feel the same.  She doesn't put up a tree.  She doesn't buy and wrap gifts.  There's no Christmas music. 

I am, so very much, missing my fiance, Trevor.  He is incarcerated during this time, finishing an old sentence from before we met.  We have 3 more months of waiting for him to parole back to Oregon.  It is our first Christmas apart for the few years we have been together.  He is in Hawaii and I am in Oregon.  This is probably the hardest Christmas, yet.  I will make the best of it.

I miss everything about him.  His smile, his hands, his beard, his presence.  I miss how, even though I tell him NO GIFTS, he still gives me something.  

In the tradition of baking cookies, I have made powdered cherry almond chocolate chip cookies (made this up on my own, with leftover ingredients) and peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.  Wish I could share them with Trevor and my kids.

Chocolate makes it all better, but I would rather have my family.

A Very UnChristmas Feeling

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall” ― Larry Wilde

Trevor's father James Franklin Dillard's widow, Tina, allowed me a room in her home, finally.  I was "sleeping" (the days I could actually get some peace and quiet) in her living room.  It's incredibly loud here, between the television, talking, and three dogs barking. 

I don't currently have a table but this was what Trevor and I used for our pantry food at our old apartment. 

I dug up our little tree and decorated for myself. I miss having our own place and sharing our holidays together. It feels desolate without him here.

Just a few greeting cards came in.  I only want the one from my fiance.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

“At Christmas play and make good cheer, For Christmas comes but once a year.” ― Thomas Tusser

Christmas 2017 is extremely uneventful this year.  Our phones were turned off, therefore no photographs were taken.  Trevor had lost his job in November, and the cost of living is so expensive, that no gifts were exchanged between us or anyone.  The house we lived in was owned by the owner of his job, so he immediately evicted us.  Thankfully, I am not on the lease, because my name is not on the eviction notice.  That gives us a better opportunity to live elsewhere.

All we wanted to do was move to a new apartment, and he got robbed.  The person stole his wallet, which contained our deposit and my debit card was in there.  We are virtually homeless in a few days because I don't have the money to get us in somewhere else.  We may have to leave Hawaii.  I'm so upset.

Here's to another year.  Merry Christmas to all.

Late Christmas

“It comes every year and will go on forever. And along with Christmas belong the keepsakes and the customs. Those humble, everyday things a mother clings to, and ponders, like Mary in the secret spaces of her heart.” ― Marjorie Holmes

My sister, Jeri, sent me an Amazon gift card for Christmas while I was living in Makaha Valley, Hawaii.  I moved to Kalihi in January 2017.  Our home didn't have some essentials which were our mugs, cooking knives, and a cutting board.  It was a gift card well spent.  

Christmas 2015

 

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Just like the ones I used to know

Where the treetops glisten

And children listen

To hear sleigh bells in the snow

Christmas 2015 was uneventful.  My mother had a stroke the summer of 2015.  I chose to avoid my sister whom we always visit for Christmas, because I felt she wasn't there for me when I didn't know what to do or how to feel.  She was always there for me, so I didn't understand why she wasn't there for me when my mom fell ill.  She tried to explain, but I shunned her.

We did not take family photos.  I did not put up the Christmas tree as Mike and I began to argue a lot and I just withdrew.  We've been together for 20 years and this is the first time I feel like this will be the last time I spend Christmas as a solid family unit.  Sienna pulled out the fake tree, last minute, and decorated it with the little bit of ornaments she could find.  It was a sweet gesture, but the energy of the house has shifted.  We do not have gifts under the tree this year.  I care so much but I feel like home doesn't feel like home anymore.  I'm miserable.

My world is falling apart, at least inside of me.  My feelings are changing about everything and everyone.  The house is full, but it feels lonely.  Although, I have great customers and clientele, I am very unhappy with my entire life, even at work.  I am unhappy with how my household is going.  I want love back in my home.  

I am withdrawing.  I am depressed.  I am angry.  I decided that 2016 is going to be different.  I just don't know how different and I am tired of pretending that everything is merry.  Things must change, completely.  

Teen Drama Queen Christmas

This was a bad Christmas.  I was 16 years old.  My mom didn't remember the holidays, therefore there was no tree and no gifts at home.  My sister Jeri was now married and didn't invite me over like she usually did, and my aunt Jacki didn't invite me either.  It wasn't like I had any way to get over to either of their homes if I just wanted to stop by. 

I was at home crying.  My boyfriend Michael's mom came to pick him up from Anaheim, CA where he lived and he asked if she could stop by my place and pick me up.  We had a two hour drive to Oxnard, CA where we celebrated Christmas at his grandparents' home. 

Here I was, sitting on the guest bed in his Grandmother's home.  I did get a Christmas gift from his mom, two tickets to the movie theater for me and her son.