Christmas 2015

 

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Just like the ones I used to know

Where the treetops glisten

And children listen

To hear sleigh bells in the snow

Christmas 2015 was uneventful.  My mother had a stroke the summer of 2015.  I chose to avoid my sister whom we always visit for Christmas, because I felt she wasn't there for me when I didn't know what to do or how to feel.  She was always there for me, so I didn't understand why she wasn't there for me when my mom fell ill.  She tried to explain, but I shunned her.

We did not take family photos.  I did not put up the Christmas tree as Mike and I began to argue a lot and I just withdrew.  We've been together for 20 years and this is the first time I feel like this will be the last time I spend Christmas as a solid family unit.  Sienna pulled out the fake tree, last minute, and decorated it with the little bit of ornaments she could find.  It was a sweet gesture, but the energy of the house has shifted.  We do not have gifts under the tree this year.  I care so much but I feel like home doesn't feel like home anymore.  I'm miserable.

My world is falling apart, at least inside of me.  My feelings are changing about everything and everyone.  The house is full, but it feels lonely.  Although, I have great customers and clientele, I am very unhappy with my entire life, even at work.  I am unhappy with how my household is going.  I want love back in my home.  

I am withdrawing.  I am depressed.  I am angry.  I decided that 2016 is going to be different.  I just don't know how different and I am tired of pretending that everything is merry.  Things must change, completely.