Christmas 2024

Merry Christmas from the Arcala-Dillard-Tirona household. 

No big tree this year due to Alzheimer's Disease and the fact we have a cat we are caring for.  The cat gets into everything and Alzheimer's Disease creates chaos when there are drastic changes to the environment.

The coffee table has a tiny tabletop tree on it and we used the TV screensaver to keep the holiday spirit in the air.  Our Alexa Echo Dot played Christmas music in the background.

To prevent my mom from sun-downing too fast, I have to remove the Christmas decorations very slowly. So maybe one thing every day. Last January, she was so mad after my sister packed up all the Christmas stuff early in the morning while my mom was still asleep. My mom woke up, realized something was missing (Christmas decor) and suddenly assumed a suit, kimono, pajama, jacket...the list goes on and on, was stolen from her. All of those things are nothing she owned. She just didn't know what was different and got very upset for 3 months straight.

Also, I was able to clip my mom's finger and toe nails after she was fresh out of the shower. They were so ridiculously long and she is so dramatic about having her nails cut. But I got it done, though, she flinched a few times. I'm just glad they aren't eagle talons anymore. I put socks on her and she thanked me.

I will be adding socks to my mom's Amazon wishlist. I have no idea where all her socks are going, as she has no matching pairs, but she has to have them because her body doesn't regulate heat that well and her feet get painfully cold. She likes fuzzy socks that aren't too tight around her ankles.

A few photos from Christmas.  None of me.  We invited our friend Gemal to Christmas.  She's from O'ahu, so she doesn't have a lot of Ohana here, and since my brother missed this Christmas, we decided to have Gemal come over for the holidays.  She's a sweet lady.

Bonnie

My mom was too exhausted for any of the festivities

Kalib 

Geoffrey

Christopher

Mike

Trevor

Jeri

Gemal

Gift Giving

Why I liked giving my kids Christmas gifts (or any other gift) when they were little... I remembered being a kid and anticipating the holidays. I couldn't wait to tear through the paper and get to the goodies inside. It was exciting. 

I saw a video of a mom saying, "Gifts?" as she flipped the light switch on, laundry she was folding, pantry full of foods, a flushing toilet, opening a refrigerator that was stocked...each with a Christmas bow on it. No, those are things everybody needs in a functioning household and a privilege. They are not gifts. A gift is a treat...individually tailored kindness. Don't act like parenting and spousing duties are considered a gift. That's an excuse for lazy love. Show you appreciate your child or spouse individually. 

Gifts don't have to be expensive and they don't have to be from a list. You do it because you want to express your love or gratitude in a unique way. 

Quick story most people know, a little drummer boy didn't have a gift for the newborn king. All he had was his music. So he brought his drum and played a song. No list, no Frankincense, no Myrrh, no gold...he brought his presence and a love song.

Struggling with Relationships

I have been struggling to get people to reach out to me. With having to caregive, it is hard for me to keep in touch with people, though I try. Social Media is the easiest way for me to communicate with everyone at one time. I have noticed a lot of my struggles with Alzheimer's Disease gets ignored by actual family.  I also noticed that people I expect to hear from don't reach out.  But, at the same time, I see them responding to other mutual family members.  

I hadn't said anything before, but now I will begin to match energy.  

See, I will even mail out Christmas cards to reach out. I got NO response on what anyone's mailing address is. I just finished the last of my cards that I still had addresses for. I'm NOT sending any more out. My Social Media friend lists have become small, and it seems my family is just as quiet as the people I just cut. I don't get it. I have more people that aren't related who respond to me than people I'm related to. 

I'm not one of them people who saves addresses because I'm one of them people who moved a lot. I don't keep a lot of stuff. It just breaks my heart that I feel people really don't find a relationship is a two-way street. The next time I ask for an address will be next year and my friend list will be smaller.

Reflecting on Santa Claus

 My oldest, Sienna, found out about Santa by Googling "Is Santa Claus real?" when she was 7 years old.  So, she told my second born, Kalib, that he was not, the moment she read that he wasn't.  And then she told me which broke my peppermint heart.  

I wanted them to be kids and believe in magical, happy stuff...like happy little elves and flying reindeer, and the North Pole.  I liked this little red, gold, and green lie.  My youngest was a baby and so I asked them not to tell him when he was aware of Santa and Christmas.  

I did everything I could to keep the trick going.  I'd wrap my gifts in the garage, at my sister's, or at work.  I'd have Santa-print wrapping paper in those locations. And I'd decorate them with bows. The presents from Mommy and Daddy were other print with no bows.  The labels from Santa were also Santa print and stickers while Mommy and Daddy gifts were bland and taped on.  

We would make "reindeer food" with glitter and oat flakes.  When the kids were asleep, the food would be messed up and scattered as if a reindeer actually ate it.  We would put cookies and milk (or beer) out for Santa which their dad treated himself to when they were asleep.

Stockings were stuffed with treats from Santa when the kids woke up.

One day, my youngest was going through my photos and saw his older siblings with Santa before he was born.  He had a picture of himself with Santa when he was three.  The Santas didn't look alike.  So, he asked me, "Why does Santa look different?"

I was afraid to ask and said, "Ask your dad, maybe he knows." It gave me time to think of another yuletide lie.

He asked his dad, and his dad being Black said, "Good question.  When I was little, Santa was Black." My son said, "That's weird." So, I explained, "Santa has brothers. One is named Saint Nick and the other is Kris Kringle.  Another is Krampus.  I'm sure he has more but I don't know all their names.  Sometimes his brothers have to do the job because Santa is sick or there are too many new kids born and he can't get to all of them." My son was satisfied.

Around October when my son had turned 9, he came home from school and said, "I'm not friends with TJ anymore.  He said there's no such thing as Santa and I told him there is.  He makes me mad because he wouldn't listen to me." I felt so bad.  My oldest was like, "Mom, you really need to tell him the truth.  He's too old now.  He sounds silly for believing so long.  Most kids don't believe at his age."

I didn't know how and deep down thought he'd grow out of it on his own.  I didn't want to break his heart.

February rolled around and my teen daughter had been having a rough time at home and at school.  She was staying in a youth shelter for runaway kids.  I asked her to go there because as a teen, I went there when I needed a mental break from home and school.  Instead of being in the streets, she could be in a facility and get the counseling she needed.

When she was ready to go home, we continued aftercare with counseling every week, and things really hadn't changed at home.  She wanted more organization, more order, and more consistency in the home. There were arguments all the time and a lot of chaos that was not being resolved civilly or at all.  This was brought up in counseling and I and her father were mortified we had been put on blast like that.  Meanwhile, tempers were coming out between me and their father in front of the counselor who sat and observed the way we spoke to and about each other.

Their father blurted out, "Chris, there's no such thing as Santa Claus.  This is one thing that makes me mad about your mom.  She makes you look stupid believing in it." I was so mad that it happened that way and so out of left field.  My son's response was, "I already knew." My older kids stayed quiet and my daughter's eyes became saucers.  Chris did NOT know, but he was being a big boy about the news. I was heated and felt the counselor turned on me when he began to speak.  

As a family unit we were one.  The chaos was amongst all of us.  I didn't like what the counselor had to say and told him to his face, "I am done with counseling.  I am leaving and never coming back." I stuck to it.  Chaos at home was never resolved.  Their father and I lasted only 3 more years and it took us a long time to be friends again.  He is invited to all holiday and family functions with us.  Co-parenting adult kids has been pleasant.

For years after, I continued to give my children gifts from Santa.  I did it last year and my kids are adults, now.  It is just for fun and I will continue to do this till the day I die.  Being Santa means the world to me.

I've shared these photos before...